.png)
I used to feel invisible.
I believed for so long that I was so forgettable that no one would remember who I was - even if they met me multiple times. I would get so anxious before going to parties that I would plan a reason to leave ahead of time or else I would get drunk before going so that I would have more courage to talk to new people (from 16 and older anyways). As a child, I would find a comfy spot with someone I knew closely and would pray that no one would put me in a position where I had to speak to the group.
I remember as a younger adult, I was so convinced that people wouldn't remember me, that I would pretend we had never met and I would re-introduce myself to them and then I'd feel like crap when they'd say "Yeah, we've met a few times now." So I'd cower away to a corner or near the food & drink and avoid that person for the rest of the party - and every other party after that.
Clearly I wasn't as invisible as I thought, but it still took me many more years to be comfortable with the idea that maybe I wasn't that forgettable and that maybe this "invisible" world I lived in was no longer serving me.
I still struggle some days with being okay with being seen. This business venture alone has put me light years ahead of where I was even a year ago. The first time I posted a video of myself talking, I thought I was going to throw up. I was okay with starting this business, but I didn't realize how much it would require me showing up as myself, putting my face out there - branding myself to it. It is uncomfortable and comfortable all at the same time. Part of me can't believe I waited so long to do this, and another part wants to hide away for 10 more years. I'm not sure if I will ever fully rid myself of this fear of being seen - or if it is a part of me as much as all of the other parts of me. I think it comes down to choice. Will I choose to allow myself to believe I am invisible, not worth being seen or heard OR will I continue to choose to step into my light, maybe even multiple times a day, and truly trust that what I have to share is needed.
Thankfully, I keep choosing the latter.
When I feel myself retreating inwards, trying to shove myself back inside that box I've long outgrown, I imagine my energy being so large that it immediately fills whatever room I'm in. I picture it expanding to every crevice of that space and I realize that I never wanted to be in that box in the first place.
I've always wanted to be seen, admired and respected and I'm finally realizing I'm worthy of that - and so much more.
And so are you.
- Kaicee
