I had this reoccurring dream. I would be standing in a room full of people, but no one could hear me. I had no voice. I would yell, scream, beg, but nothing would come out. My throat would be on fire from trying to get out any sound at all, but no sound could make it past my lips. I would wake up crying, nauseous with feelings of anger and isolation. Some weeks, I would have the dream daily. For so long, I ignored the deep meaning of it. My subconscious had been leading me to this root and I had shoved it done, deeper and deeper until it started popping up in all aspects of my life.
As a child, I was extremely quiet. I would only speak to those I felt comfortable around. I remember in junior high, at a movie theatre with all of my friends, one of the boys in our group turned around and said to me, "Do you ever speak?" I surrounded myself by loud, outgoing friends so one of them piped up before I even had the chance to respond and she said, "Of course she does, dummy, leave her alone." In the moment I was so grateful to her for speaking up, but I realize now how many times that happened in my life. I surrounded myself with people who are louder than me, funnier than me, more outgoing than me, because it kept me small. It kept me in my comfort zone. I didn't need to speak up because they did it for me. I could fly under the radar for the rest of my life.
It was years later that I realized my voice could be used to get what I want. At first, I became very opinionated. Hurtful, even. If I felt like I wasn't getting my way, I would use my voice to harm so that I could feel better about myself. I figured I was finally standing up for myself, when for years I could barely speak. This didn't last long either, for the guilt of going against my very core and hurting people with my words was too much to take. I slumped back into a space of quiet, of solitude.
I can see the bigger picture now. I was creating opportunities my whole life to step out of this comfort zone I had put myself in, but I continued to choose to stay. When I thought I was given the chance to finally speak up for myself, I flew to the other end of the spectrum and used my words to shame, guilt or harm others. I hadn't been able to find the sweet spot in the middle. The spot where I use my voice to stand up for myself when I need to. Where I use love and compassion to get my point across instead of fear and shame. The spot where I can comfortably stand in my own skin and acknowledge that the next time I create an opportunity to choose to stay in my comfort zone or stand in sovereignty, I will choose sovereignty every time. I will choose me. I will choose to stand in my highest self.
The collective is going through something similar right now. For so long we have been asleep to what is happening behind the scenes. Trusting in the authorities to keep us safe and protected, believing everything that is told to us without question. The end of the spectrum where we are just the "good little boys and girls" who do what they're told and let the loud kids speak up for us. As a collective, we've decided we don't want to be there anymore, but instead of finding that sweet spot in the middle, we have ended up on the opposite end of the spectrum. Using our voices to divide, to spread hate and fear. We have become the loud kids, but the loud kids who use their power to hurt. We are searching for that sweet spot in the middle. Where we come from a place of compassion, of love.
The ones who spread hatred and anger are not bad people. None of us are. We are all just coming from a place of deep conditioning. A place from where our beliefs are running our lives. Just like the little girl I once was who felt like she had no voice, a lot of the collective are so fearful of getting to that place. Of having their voice taken away, so they choose to use it in any way they can, even if it hurts others. If we can look at those people with kindness and compassion, that love will only expand. If we can look at ourselves with the same kindness and compassion, that love for ourselves will only expand. If every single one of us showed ourselves the love that we need, the collective would have no choice but to look at the world with love. It would be too loud to ignore.
As a sovereign being, we do not need to scream or yell to get our point across. We don't even need to get our point across. We trust that whatever unfolds is for our greatest good. We use our voice to spread messages of kindness. We know that the heightened fear around us is only our programming screaming and yelling at us to stay in our comfort zones, to stay in our box. We understand that the fear will quiet if we don't feed it. As a sovereign being, we choose love. We choose to focus on love. Love for ourselves, for our neighbours, for the world. We understand that everyone is only acting from their own deep conditioning and we have compassion for them. We know what it is like to be in that energy, we know what it's like to come face to face with our shadows.
More and more, you will be given choices to stay in fear (comfort zone) or step into love (sovereignty). It will start to show up for you almost daily. Take a look at the situations in your life and see if you can make out where you are given that choice to stand in sovereignty. Choose to love yourself everyday, especially as you work through your shadows. Choose to focus on love and compassion in every moment. Take time each day to be in the moment, where fear does not live. Fear only lives in the future, it is not in the now. You get to choose. Comfort zone or sovereignty? Fear or love?
I stand here now as an adult, fully in my body, in my soul. I love all of the aspects of myself. I know that I am not for everyone, that for some I am triggering. For some I am too much. I'm not here to be everything for everyone, I am here to stand fully as my soul and to hold space for those who are not yet ready to. I am no longer afraid of my voice. I know that I will not hurt others with my words, that it isn't possible if I am coming from a place of love. I know that my beliefs as a child were not mine to carry, and I have chosen to let them go. I do not need to convince others of who I am, even those closest to me. I'm okay with being misunderstood. I attract people who are ready to stand in their sovereignty and I align with others who already have.
I will no longer fear my voice being taken away, that voiceless dream will not come back, and it will not be made a reality. I am thankful for being able to dig down to the root of my anger. For so long, I held onto so much anger at the people who I perceived as taking my voice away, my choices away. I no longer need to be angry. I have my voice and it isn't going anywhere. I am a sovereign being.