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As a teenager, I would day dream about the day that a handsome stranger would come and profess his undying love for me, and whisk me away to live a life of romance & unending happiness for the rest of our lives.
When I met that handsome stranger, I was underwhelmed pretty quickly at his romance skills. He didn't say the things I thought he would say, it didn't really seem to me like he couldn't live without me - all things I thought was a part of a healthy relationship. I may have watched a tad too many romantic comedies.
Don't get me wrong, he shows me love in many other ways. He knows I hate doing the dishes, so he does them for me when he is home. He fills my coffee cup first and delivers it to me in my cozy spot on his (now mine) recliner. He doesn't fight me on who's recliner it actually is. He knows I don't love eggs so he gives me extra bacon when he makes breakfast. He takes out the garbage and picks up dog poop because he knows I'll gag. Whenever we've had mice to deal with, he takes care of it because he knows I'm terrified (he is too - so that really shows me how much he loves me).
These were all things that took me a while to realize that it was how he showed his love. His way of being romantic. I sometimes still daydream about him being silly and serenading me with one of my favorite songs - however - I know that he is not comfortable with the extravagant over the top ways of showing love, that I sometimes crave.
It took a long time for me to realize that the part of me that wanted more was actually a part of me that felt unfulfilled by life in general and I was looking for that outward validation in our relationship. He always shows up for me, and it still didn't feel enough. So, what next?
At about the same time, I began a journey to a deep self discovery, self love. It was in the midst of this soul search that I realized I started to feel more and more fulfilled by the actions of love shown to me by my husband. Nothing had changed on his end, but I was starting to understand that feeling fulfilled cannot come from an outside source. It needs to start from inside. The more I loved myself, the more I could accept his love in however he was able to show it to me. To the point where I am at now, where I do not need any more from him. I don't expect or wish for more because I have everything I need from within me. I sing myself my own damn love songs, while he brings me my morning coffee and gives me a kiss on the forehead.
There's a song I love called Waiting for You by Russell Dickerson. It goes something like "Oh, I finally found the piece that I've been missing all along. Girl, I've been waiting for you my whole life". I sing that to myself often. Oh how long I waited for me to show up, to step up, to own my power. I waited my whole life and here I am. Fully stepping into who I am meant to be, excited to assist other women in truly knowing this wholesome love. This beautiful, amazing, fascinating self love that could never come from anyone else. It was always meant to come from within.
I am forever grateful to my husband for loving me in exactly the way I needed so that I could find myself and truly receive his love and in turn, give it back to him in how he needs.
What a wonderful gift we've given each other.
